Night times come as a surprise. I wish I had time to do so much more. I am watching On a Clear Day. Good film that.

Yesteday he said to me: I'll take you and we'll find you some light walking boots... Did we go anywhere? No, we did not.

I am slowly coming back to life after having a baby. She is now seven weeks old. It is so weird to lose your life and yet live it to the fullest.

Yet again I feel I need something but I don't know what and why.

Mr Holland's Opus

Last night I sat down in my front room, feeling a bit sorry for myself. Why was I feeling sorry for myself? Well, life brings so many opportunities... there is so much to explore, discover, live through and I felt left out yesterday. It is a bit like being a prisoner in your own house - where your children need you to feed them, wash them, play with them, cuddle them..., all these things I always wanted to do. It is so hard to explain.

You have this image of life you want to live and then it doesn't always match the reality. In fact, it hardly ever matches the reality... but that doesn't mean it is bad. It is different. The reality is more powerful and at the same time more restraining.

In the last few months I have been wondering what to do with my life, with my career... What I always wanted to do, doesn't seem to want to happen, and yet I don't really know that for sure. I am being pathetic, undecided. I have a year off to take care of my little Emily but then I have to seriously reach for some sort of future. What would it be?

Today I am an unqualified teacher but I need to start thinking long term, otherwise it makes very little sense.

Yesterday I watched a film called Mr Holland's Opus and it was so beautiful, so inspirational... I loved it. Maybe I can do well sometime in future.

Well, we will have to wait and see.

sometimes, not always

Sometimes even the best intentions can be turned upside down and into a mistake. Today it was simply lack of onion in a chilli.
It is raining again, but what else is there to expect? After all, it is an island. I quite like looking at the rain. It somehow makes me calm.

I cut my hair in preparation for Em. She will be coming soon. I will be more tired, busier, probably less patient. I don't know. I hope I don't have to wait too much longer. The due date is this coming Thursday. I am not afraid. I am actually looking forward to that. What will happen next is a bit of a worry, but fr now I decided to take it a step at the time. It seems to make sense - doing it that way.

Five more weeks

I have just over five weeks left. The midwife thinks my little girl is in breech. I hope she comes to her senses and turn in the next two weeks. I am a bit worried about what could happen if she didn't. Come on, Emka, don't be like that.

My feet, ankles, wrists and fingers are swollen. In fact, I am probably swollen all over but I choose not to see it. I had to take my wedding ring off the other week... My skin is a little bit different where the rings were... Almost as if marriage was like a tattoo... injected under your skin with thousands little pricks.

I liked the pain when my tattoos were done. I liked the intimacy of the pain, the reality of it... Maybe that is why I like marriage...? A word "wife" still gives me shivers, still makes me excited sometimes.

I am not afraid of the implications but there are things I don't like... like "everydayness", like having to be a responsible, sensible adult with virtually no room for crazy things.

I am falling asleep now.

Sometimes life is disappointing. Sometimes it is tiring. I have 10 weeks to go and 5 weeks of work left before I am off. I feel so confused.
What am I waiting for? Don't I have everything I need?
I look at my house. A few years back I did not believe that I would ever own a house. All my flats so far were small, damp, without the heating and without bathrooms. I lost my place at uni due to unpaid bills... and now not only I have a man, who loves me, a child who is adorable (and another one to come very soon), but also a house, a finished degree, a job at one of the best schools in the city...
I said to my husband the other week that I was content. I did at that moment in time...
Despite all this, most days I just feel worn out, old, tired, depressed. I don't understand who I am.
I am me.
I am fed up with all the emotions, with mood swings and being fat.

Today is one of those days when nothing has much sense. Things happen like every other day and I am busy and then tired and then I remind myself about all the little stuff that matters. I just can't figure it out. My unborn child is moving inside me. The old fears are gone and everything is safe... but there is no adrenaline. Everything is predictable.
Some say that this is the hormones going... but I don't hear any buzzing. I am watching ER. It seems like my own life is passing me by and yet my lovely man is doing everything for me. He is building me a new bedroom.