Christmas

Today is the Christmas Day. My little boy opened all his presents and now is resting watching Little Mermaid. I feel a little worn out but happy. It was lovely seeing all that joy on my son's face!

The girl is looking for something. What am I doing? - she asks herself rummaging through his things... Photographs, old medals... everything dusty.

pathetic

I am so pathetic. I can't get myself out of marasm. I feel tired - all the time. Today I am also feeling very sick. All day long - awful cramps in my stomach and you don't even want to know what else.
When is this going to end? I need sunshine. Maybe Africa? That would be good! Africa with all the sun in the world.
Maybe I would see some tigers and giraffes. Someone I know is there right now. How is it out there? Is it as beautiful as I am imagining it?

Rocks and drops

I can't make it out. Every little move hurts. I hurt.
I am a rock in the middle of a field full of rocks. I am a drop of rain after the storm kicked in.

Tuesday

Day passes after day and I am more and more desperate for something to happen. I don't obviously know what I am longing for, but that is a secondary matter. I am angry and frustrated. I am here and yet I am not.

I am sad. It has been too long since I first started feeling sad.

lazy Sunday

Today is Sunday. It looks like it is going to rain again. There are some very low clouds hanging over my windows. I have a headache. My boy is running around.

Mirek Czyzykiewicz and his ave makes me want to go somewhere where words have more meaning.
I have been working too hard and there is still no time to rest.

The craziness and speed I used to live my life with, faded away. I feel incomplete again. I feel an urge to dance in the rain, to let something take control over me.
What a beautiful feeling it is when nothing is up to you. There are people out there I would like to thank you for teaching me that. I hope I wasn't too bad as your pupil. I hope you enjoyed me.

Sometimes it takes time to realize who we really are and that things that are unspeakable are actually the things we are seeking. Today I know that and I am calm and agreeable. Today I am old enough to understand that some forms of pain are in fact the catharsis. Remembering the bruises on my skin makes me pure again. I miss the unknown.

Or maybe I just don't live anough anymore?

I am so tired at the minute.

on holiday

We are on holiday. I should be having a time of my life, but my back got much worse and I can hardly move. I could cry. I honestly could. Each time I am trying to do something it kicks in and don't want to go away.

I am really worried about getting back to England. It is a 14-hour journey to London and then another 4-5 hours in the car. I hope it will get better before that.

holiday

We are going away today and I am not even packed. I hate packing and unpacking. I wish people could travel without all this hassle. A long way is ahead us. I have bad back.

I suppose everything will be as it is planned to be...

Sunday... late morning

I remember the time when we used to write in normal notebooks. The diaries were personal, cherished and hidden - not as public as nowadays, when everybody can read them at their leisure.

Today is Sunday. I am sitting with my little boy. He is watching Thomas the Tank Engine. He is dancing to the songs and he is laughing. These are the moments to remember.

Feeling hot and in the mood for writing... What does define a perfect woman? Glamour? Beauty? Inner strength? £65o worth of sandals from a designer's shop?

Creams made of placenta... horrendously expensive... Aren't we going in some crazy direction? Is there a limit to what we are prepare to do?

The sky is very heavy today. I am cooking dinner for my absent husband and hopefully for Marta. She is coming and I have wine. A lot of wine in fact.

Italian

Papavero rosso... I have finally started to learn Italian. At last. I actually do like my life when I am not so tired...

remembering

I remember the pigeons on the roof of the shed. their wings hitting the tiles over and over again. then at night there was silence and quiet cries. then the rats came and you can imagine what happened...

there was blood everywhere, the birds were half eaten, no legs... flying feathers... a fading memory of childhood.