How fitting! It didn't take a few years for me to read that message!

Why can't I just settle down and have the way society sees fit? Bother!

Last night I was dancing all my thoughts away and was careless and carefree. All that counted were the hands touching me and the bodies swinging with the rhythm.

Tonight, a hangover - but not the physical and not a moral one... just a pressing need for more. It is all I can think of!

This is a message from me. To myself. In a few years' time I will read it just as I read some from the previous years. Smiling.

Nothing really changes. Unless you live a life of a femme fatale, you can't expect unexpected. Wake up, little girl. You chose a life. Stop struggling and live it!

Oh, I am such a fool!

Perhaps it is the only truth. Nothing ever changes. How can I?

I need help.

slowly

I am coming round. Again and again. It seems tidal. Tides... they depend on the moon. Do I? I have started to write poetry after a long break. It feels good.

Night times come as a surprise. I wish I had time to do so much more. I am watching On a Clear Day. Good film that.

Yesteday he said to me: I'll take you and we'll find you some light walking boots... Did we go anywhere? No, we did not.

I am slowly coming back to life after having a baby. She is now seven weeks old. It is so weird to lose your life and yet live it to the fullest.

Yet again I feel I need something but I don't know what and why.

Mr Holland's Opus

Last night I sat down in my front room, feeling a bit sorry for myself. Why was I feeling sorry for myself? Well, life brings so many opportunities... there is so much to explore, discover, live through and I felt left out yesterday. It is a bit like being a prisoner in your own house - where your children need you to feed them, wash them, play with them, cuddle them..., all these things I always wanted to do. It is so hard to explain.

You have this image of life you want to live and then it doesn't always match the reality. In fact, it hardly ever matches the reality... but that doesn't mean it is bad. It is different. The reality is more powerful and at the same time more restraining.

In the last few months I have been wondering what to do with my life, with my career... What I always wanted to do, doesn't seem to want to happen, and yet I don't really know that for sure. I am being pathetic, undecided. I have a year off to take care of my little Emily but then I have to seriously reach for some sort of future. What would it be?

Today I am an unqualified teacher but I need to start thinking long term, otherwise it makes very little sense.

Yesterday I watched a film called Mr Holland's Opus and it was so beautiful, so inspirational... I loved it. Maybe I can do well sometime in future.

Well, we will have to wait and see.

sometimes, not always

Sometimes even the best intentions can be turned upside down and into a mistake. Today it was simply lack of onion in a chilli.
It is raining again, but what else is there to expect? After all, it is an island. I quite like looking at the rain. It somehow makes me calm.

I cut my hair in preparation for Em. She will be coming soon. I will be more tired, busier, probably less patient. I don't know. I hope I don't have to wait too much longer. The due date is this coming Thursday. I am not afraid. I am actually looking forward to that. What will happen next is a bit of a worry, but fr now I decided to take it a step at the time. It seems to make sense - doing it that way.